This is my husband. Christian Philip Emanuel Krouse. I forgot that today was our 18th wedding anniversary. I never pictured myself forgetting such a special day. But it turns out that committing to working every other weekend through the summer and turning your dear sweet mother over to the care of a mental hospital that week…7 months after your older brothers murder…and raising seven kids in your spare, clear, constant moments and attempting to turn inward and ask your own damn self what it is that you need…occasionally you forget about these man made celebrations. I know I’m married to him. I know because he is a constant source of love and support and a connection to reality when I just want to go away for an undetermined amount of time. When I met this man I was a mere 14 years old. He spent a short amount of time with my family and thought “I can’t leave her with these people…”. I resented that for the longest time…but the more time we spent raising our own family the more I understood what he meant…what he felt. I am to the point in my maturity that I’m no longer embarrassed or ashamed to say that my family didn’t have a lot of guidance or clarity on how to raise my four brothers and I. It’s painful. To come to terms with the fact that an entire substantial chunk of your life was done “WRONG”. You have to face facts. Facts like people you love coming to their end while they are at their very worst. Facts like “you need medication”. Facts like “you are depressed.” The world is what we make it. Through multiple therapy routes I’ve come to the conclusion that my life is ultimately what I choose to focus on. If I decide to pour all my energy into how miserable and unjust the world can be…then guess what…I find more misery and injustice. I have so very much to be sad about. But I’m done being sad. And so….today I choose to be thankful for my beautiful husband. Our life is a legitimate shit show. 9 people asserting their wills on a daily basis and only a select few willing to sacrifice for the greater good…it’s no paradise. But it’s good. Because it’s real. I’m not trying to be long winded or overly emotional about something as basic as an 18th wedding anniversary, but for real…for the first time in our lives…I forgot…and he was so forgiving and beautiful and “Chris” about it. I rolled in hot off the road from working at the West Reading Farmers Market and he had an orchid and some fresh silverware because our kids leave our spoons in random local parking lots constantly…and a begonia and a beautiful card where he wrote out the 17 things he loves about me…because he believed it was our 17th anniversary. And we laughed. We laughed because we are in total maintenance/survival mode…and if you have the privilege of going through such a stage with someone…then you also know how much forgiveness and grace and humor is needed to muscle through such a stage with someone. I believe we have so many beautiful years ahead of us…but today…let’s just enjoy being driven around by our 16 year old son while our 2 year old screams next to us. I love you Christian Philip Emanuel Krouse. Thank you for being mine…for an official 18 years. We’re practically an antique! .
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