Max is 3. He is such an awesome kid. Almost always cheerful. A really upbeat little guy, crazy about baseball and bunnies and his older brothers. It is also my secret pleasure to watch him enjoy and play with his 1 year old baby brother. I watch him live a life torn in two directions. One direction pulling him towards his wild older brothers and their dangerous antics. Laying on skateboards and bombing the neighboring parking lot. The other direction, Thomas trains and board books with little Noah.
As most parents can relate, I too have lamented the expediency with which these kids transform into opinionated, strong, smart roommates. They have big ideas and even bigger mouths. While I would love to cuddle these dependents for eternity, I comfort myself with the remembrance of what a tragedy it would be if you actually had to live through that. Your child never maturing, never growing, never learning. It would be the worst thing that could probably happen to a child, short of their life ending prematurely. So after I get sad that my kids are all growing up, and then get even sadder at the thought of getting my wish and them staying little forever, I snap out of it and remember to embrace the RIGHT NOW.
Writing is the most efficient way I know to slow down enough to breath in the moment. It gives me time to think about it, cry about it, laugh about it and move forward…having squeezed every drop out of the fruit of the moment.
Max is one of my first recruits of the day. Every morning I recognize his one-foot-at-a-time steps down the stairs. Some mornings he has obviously come down too early and he has a fog of grump about him. Other days he meets the day with so much enthusiasm it’s hard to contain my own enthusiasm at being able to experience life with him. One thing remains consistent. His bathroom habits, of which I am fully involved.
It matters not what I am doing when he feels the urge. I drop what I’m doing and make his bathroom success my mission, because what mom is ever excited about cleaning up bathroom messes when you get your priorities wrong and neglect to get that toddler where they need to be, when they need to be there?? No mom. Moms whole days are wrecked by urine and feces all over the planet, all the time.
As a way of keeping myself sane during the madness that can be the combination of egg on my hands while a baby cries while a 12 year old asks me a question while a husband wants to know where the hot sauce is while a 10 year old wants an IPhone unlocked WHILE a toddler asserts “I GOTTA GO PEE!” I’ve taken to providing a short little monologue that goes something like “Well you’re in luck! Cause we have a toilet here! Let me help you.” Max let’s an amused little smile creep across his face. I accompany him to our 2 year old “closet bathroom”, the one we put in when we realized it was necessary for our survival as a group. I proceed to tell Max the tales of all the potty trainers before him who had to go THE WHOLE WAY UPSTAIRS to use the bathroom. I express, “You’re so lucky, this is a special bathroom.” I also recognize how luck I am, being the mom who had to run up the stairs all those years to assist bathroom participants. Max listens intently while he finishes up and I help him hop down from the potty.
Naturally the suggestion of a stool in the bathroom has been explored, but I’ve always found that bathroom stools lend a warm welcome to the sink meddling toddler. It’s gone quite badly more than one time.
This morning Max came down in his usual pleasant mood. He milled around a bit. I let him know I needed some help making pancakes. “YESSS!” He was happy to oblige. He softly mentions, “I gotta go pee.”
“Well you’re in luck…” I begin.
“No. I can do it mom.”
“What!?” I follow him and watch while he drops his gym shorts and scoots his bottom up and back on the toilet seat.
“You’re a big boy!?” He is all smiles while I marvel at his mastery.
This is a happy story of my beautiful son growing and learning and maturing. Here’s the sad part.
This morning before I left for my 5 hour a week job Max approached me with his little lace up Chuck Taylor sneakers. He owns other shoes but he prefers these ones. I had already put them on his feet an hour earlier. I was trying to finish making pancakes for the other kids and I was frustrated that Chris had to work today and we are basically doing shifts with the kids today rather than going to the beach or the pool or Hershey Park. We’re just working to try to dig ourselves out of credit card debt and get him through nursing school and afford some homeschool curriculum and pay the mortgage. These are the stresses that kids don’t know about. They can’t know until they are living it. I became irritated with Max and his “shoes-on-shoes-off-shoes-back-on” habit. I told him to go find someone else to help him this time. I asked 12 year old Flynn to assist him since I was making him breakfast. I watched while Flynn fed off of my irritation and treated Max like a nuisance. “If you take these off again you’re gonna have to find other shoes to wear. Ones that you can put on..”. What did I expect. It broke my heart. I taught Flynn that Max needing our constant help with his shoes is cause for annoyance. I vowed this morning, as I rushed out the door, to redeem the shoe experience with Max.
At the end of the day, helping Max to the bathroom is slightly annoying…when I’m in the middle of 10 other things, but I made a point of turning it into a fun experience. And now it’s over. I can never go back and Re help him to the potty, because he can do it all by himself. At the rate time is flying, I’ll wake up tomorrow and he’ll be able to tie his own shoes. He’ll never need my help again and he’ll have a memory of his annoyed mom fumbling with his laces while he watched her furrowed brow with sadness on his face.
Being the mom to 6 kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not a fan of beating myself up but I recognize that without some clear self reflection we can end up somewhere someday and not realize how we got there. I don’t want my kids to remember this stressed out lady that was “in charge”. Today when I get done with work I’m gonna slow down and enjoy my kids. Cause life’s too short to act like there’s not enough time for what’s important.
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