YOU MIGHT BE AN EXPLOSIVE HOUSEWIFE IF…
If you’ve ever googled “how to make a meal out of potato chips.”
If you’ve ever answered your front door in broad daylight and held a ten minute conversation before closing the door and realizing you had zit cream on your face.
If your vacuum cleaner has ever been on fire.
If you’ve ever jumped up in the night to assist a puking child and tripped over the baby’s bassinet and bashed your shin on the frame of the bed and then landed in a basket of laundry.
If you’ve ever packed a salad to eat at the pool but forgot a fork and instead ended up eating french fries with cheese sauce from the concession stand.
YOU MIGHT BE AN EXPLOSIVE HOUSEWIFE IF…
If you’ve ever run away from your own irrational, whining child…and they’ve run after you…and you continued to run…faster.
If you’ve ever had to stop your children from jumping out of a tree and into a baby pool because the Emergency Room parking lot that you live next to is looking full and you aren’t in the mood for all that waiting today.
If you happen to store your fresh garlic and a lightbulb in the same bowl on your kitchen countertop…????
If an evening game of monopoly includes keeping people from eating paper money.
If the baby that you are wearing on the front of you has crumbs all over it’s head from the bag of chips that you are carrying around…aimlessly trying to get stuff done while wearing a baby…hence the nourishing yourself with a bag of chips.
YOU MIGHT BE AN EXPLOSIVE HOUSEWIFE IF…
If you like to focus on your strengths, and therefore you are not opening the refrigerator…because it so desperately cries out from the pit of hell to be cleaned!!!
If, “Hey guys, I just need everyone to stay out of the salsa mess for the time being” is something you’ve ever uttered while jostling a crying person from the front of your body.
If “no eating in the living room” has a clause after it that says “including your boogers”.
If you recognize that at most waking moments of your day you could very well be reported for neglect…cause there are more of them than there are of you…ITS JUST MATH PEOPLE!!!
If you cry every damn time Stevie Nick’s song Landslide comes on.
YOU MIGHT BE AN EXPLOSIVE HOUSEWIFE IF…
If you’ve ever seen your baby eat a cheerio out of a dustpan. 🙁
If you’ve ever gone to sleep at night and woken up in the morning with anywhere from 2 to 5 more people in your bed than you remembered being there.
If you’ve considered throwing a children’s birthday party cause hey, at least you’d have a reason to wear that snazzy new jumpsuit you got on clearance that’s been sitting for months.
If you vacuum your carpets EVERY SINGLE DAY to avoid the “Do barn animals reside here?” effect.
If you’ve been dancing with the baby when you should be doing the laundry and now your older boys are complaining that they have no underwear.
YOU MIGHT BE AN EXPLOSIVE HOUSEWIFE IF…
If there’s snot and saliva and hand prints all over the window of your front door…and you’ve recognized how futile it is to remove it…at least not for the next 5 years.
If your back goes out on a regular basis from dead lifting 25 pounds of wriggling human flesh while bent over, laying down, hunched and making a fire in the wood stove, seated and any other humanly possible contortion.
If you’ve ever boasted that a “diaper lasted all day”.
If you’ve ever exclaimed to the fat baby who has been solely residing on your hip, “YOU’RE WEARING DOWN MY BURSA SACKS!”
If you’ve ever enjoyed the luxury of someone unfolding all the laundry right after you have folded it.
YOU MIGHT BE AN EXPLOSIVE HOUSEWIFE IF…
If you hate cheese curls with an unmatched passion and fervency and yet they still make their way into your children’s diet…leaving behind a bright orange ring around their mouths…for you to better find where all the annoying sounds are coming from that were most likely caused by the chemical reaction from the orange dye that is now coursing their veins. (I really don’t like cheese curls.)
If your children have ever worn socks on parts of their body besides their feet…in public.
If one or more of your children have a frequency that comes out of their face that your ears have stopped picking up.
If you have ever laughed (like a crazy maniacal banshee) at your husband because he has spent one hour (during primetime, like right after school…when they’re all cutting loose) with the children and seemed a little frazzled afterward.
If you usually have a layer of crumbs on the bottom of your feet, but at least it’s perhaps protecting them from whatever else is down there.
YOU MIGHT BE AN EXPLOSIVE HOUSEWIFE IF…
If you’ve ever eaves dropped on a quarrel between your children and rather than intervening, remained silent, internally rooting for the more logical child.
If you have ever said that you were going to use the bathroom and instead gone and sat on the floor of your dark closet and secretly eaten a Cadbury Egg.
If one day it dawned on you that every time you have a child you have in fact created another methane producing organism and that maybe you are breathing in farts 80% of your waking hours.
If you have so many nicknames for your baby that sometimes you forget where or why or how the nickname originated.
If you’ve ever written your grocery list or balanced your checkbook with a crayon.
YOU MIGHT BE AN EXPLOSIVE HOUSEWIFE IF…
If your children have ever surprised you with their kindness and generosity and caused you to put aside for a moment all your doubts that you are doing a good job raising the future of the planet.
If being a mother and/or wife is among the most meaningful and inspiring and painfully satisfying roles you’ve ever known in this life.
You are probably an Explosive Housewife if you are reading this and laughing or crying or smiling or wincing because you too have lived one or 20 of these moments.
Please feel free to share any and all of your own Explosive moments.
