As I wipe the kitchen table, absorbing all signs of the children’s breakfast carnage, my feet are caught up uncomfortably on a truly awkward obstacle.  My attention is drawn to my feet.  It’s his pillow.  Just there, on the kitchen floor…its been tossed next to the darkened stain of grape juice that I’ve swept over/thru at least twice now.  At times I’ve looked at that pillow and have been plagued by the fact that I know deep down inside that I’ve gotten all comfortable on my bed with Owen…maybe I’ve eased into a cuddle with him…kinda let my guard down…and I know that pillow has snuck in under my filth radar. I know I’ve been reading books to people on our squishy, partially dilapidated vintage sofa, when I have conveniently used the raunchy thing to support my lower back.

It doesn’t matter what cycle of the laundering process it is in, its got built in grime.  When I see the dingy pillow laying on the kitchen floor, I want to make a note to myself to never again let that pillow anywhere near my face or any other part of me.  “Remember Autumn, that pillow goes…to the yard.  Remember, you saw it near the base of the toilet the other day…Please Remember.”  But I know the reality is that you have these moments in your life that are so riddled with all this other, more pressing stuff…that something as tolerable and insignificant as “dirt” starts to become part of the set design.

I know when I look at that pillow, that just this week Owen came to my bed with it and climbed in.  Its been over a year now that he has been a heavy night sleeper.  The year before that he was our ever consistent nightly visitor.  It was quite a thing.  I’d be too tired to argue so he’d climb over me into the middle groove and then I’d wake up a few hours later when Chris had experienced the final “heel to the back” of the night and he would transport Owen back to his bed.

Some mornings over coffee, Chris would express how much he didn’t “Love” carrying Owen (who has been said to be “built like a  brick shit house”…in the words of my late father) back down the hall to his own bed every single night.  I felt no need to defend my weakness.  “It’ll be a drop in the bucket someday…He’ll be a grown man and we will barely remember the entire year he spent nightly snuggled and thrashing between us.”  We’d have a thoughtful moment and get on with the day and that night I’d defenselessly turn a blind eye to the sneaky night walker and so on and so forth.

Until…it just stopped.  I woke up one morning all refreshed and surprised and I realized that was it…it would be less and less.  It might as well be over.  The funniest part was that it was right after Uncle Ben and Aunt Mare had given us their old queen size mattress (cause when you have as many kids/bed wetters as we do, you take peoples old matresses) and with no real destination in mind we tossed it in Owen’s room.  For the time being.  His previous twin mattress was a little weird to begin with and sometimes the kids dismantled the whole bed and made big obstacles thru out the room and basically we weren’t sad to see it go.  As it would turn out…I don’t think Owen had any interest in his cuddles with Chris or I in those wee hours, sleeping smashed between two people, each 3xs his size.  I now know it to be true that his original bed exuded levels of discomfort that drove him to evacuate nightly.   The first few times you’re evicted, your parents place is a good start when it comes to temporary relocation.  He knew we had the extra room.

So now, being over a year removed from those pesky nightly disturbances, my motherly heart leapt when his boyish frame approached my bedside and made the announcement that he had a scary dream about a monster and wanted to sleep with us.  It was like that filthy CARS pillow didn’t even exist.  “Come on in our bed little guy…whats that.?..You say this germ coated utility mop head comes with you?  Sure thing.  Hop in.  We’ve missed ya.”  Sometimes, after a long day in the home…fighting the good fight…I have found myself stepping into the afternoon sunlight and discovering that I’ve clearly been using my clothing as a tissue and a dishcloth and a paper towel and a bandaid and it feels surprising but then I remember what I signed up for.  I signed up to be ok with the details of this life.  I’ve signed up for a van interior that can now list “gum” and “milk” and “goldfish crackers” as some of the upgrades.  I’ve signed up for a perpetual laundry pile that a cat has been sleeping on and smells like boy urine somewhere around mid pile.  I’ve signed up for the slow payout that comes with the investment of spending every waking moment in the most beautiful, least glamorous role of my life.

During my brief time in Indiana, amidst my Bible College days, I had the privilege of nannying for a growing family of 6 (now 12!).   I can recall changing the parents bed sheets and thinking that I couldn’t understand how they could sleep with wooden blocks and sesame sticks in their sheets.  And then one day you wake up with some pretzel bits embedded in your arm skin and a toy basket dumped on your pillow…and you are enlightened.  They are the filthy details of a beautifully rich life.  The details you don’t want to miss, cause that would mean you were moving too fast. But you also dont want to put too much emphasis on them, cause that would mean you were missing the point.  More than likely though, this blog post is just my most elaborate excuse ever to avoid my chores.  A wonderful person eased my troubled mind when they told me that “housework is the most patient thing in the world. It will just WAIT and WAIT.”  And so it does.